The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
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Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
There’s never enough good news
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”