The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
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The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.