The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
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You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Auto correct is my worst enema.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur