Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.