Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

Blew my mind.

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

fly smarter, not harder

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio