Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
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you stereotypes are all alike
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.