Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

I missed you with all my darts

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

Story of my life…..

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is