The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
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Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.