The opposite of goth is stopth.
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If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO