The opposite of goth is stopth.
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I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Every house has this drawer
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.