Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…