Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

I have a type: disappointing

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.