The opposite of Iceland is water water
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It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Seems legit
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on