The opposite of Iceland is water water
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[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
The Eggorcist
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.