Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician