Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

🥲

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

I support this random dude and all his protests

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.