The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
beware of dog