The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
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look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Facebook Twitter
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.