The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
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I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Finished stitching this today 😇
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
