The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
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[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.