The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
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A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Sniffing the broccoli
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.