The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
You Might Also Like
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.