Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

*performs CPR on the turkey*

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols