Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool