The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
same energy
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.