The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
This made me smile…
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy