The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.