The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
You Might Also Like
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
no way 😭
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
According to math, I’m broke
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Every work call, he judges.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
How to draw a duck
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes