The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
they should create new variants of dopamine
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”