The options really are this bad
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Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.