The options really are this bad
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?