Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER