The options really are this bad
You Might Also Like
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady