The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
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Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.