The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Hamburger Hinderer.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Wikigenius
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!