The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?