The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Good news
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING