Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

started wrapping my pills in cheese

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?