The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
You Might Also Like
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Happy Febuary everyone!
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”