The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
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space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
OKAY DAD
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
shakira sharkira
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?