The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
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[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.