why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.