the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
You Might Also Like
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Woke up against my better judgement again
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
hey, alexa
