the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
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I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
This raises questions
Mmmm canned fish.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Don’t make me out nice you.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Travel bloggers during quarantine
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
i’m still crying at this
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
asking santa clause for nudes