The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
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Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
shazam but for random noises outside
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
A classic…
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml