The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Always the camel, never the toe.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed