All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
mentally somewhere in italy
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
So sick of all these stupid rules
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.