Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

About to throw up

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

I am laughing way too hard at this.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula