The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
It do be feeling this way.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’