Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient