The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
True freaking story!
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.