the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
You Might Also Like
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.