the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
All set.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.