The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
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Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.