The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
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Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me trying to walk in a dream
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok