The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
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My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too