The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
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Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
feetloaf
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”