Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

My circle of trust is a meatball

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

Oh no

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad