The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
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People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair