The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
You Might Also Like
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.