The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
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People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
