Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

So true for me

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix