Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

I hate everything

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha