“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
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[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell