Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

Those are good neighbors.

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

New tinder profile pic

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

kids play hide and seek like

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

Previously On Persistence 😎

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.