Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

I’m being attacked 😭

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.