Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.