The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
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Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
(more comics:
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!