The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
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I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
United Steaks of America
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.