Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

excuse me

Watson was Holmes schooled

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈