Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

I know a bad idea when I see one.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

This kid is a star!

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

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The Chosen Phew