Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

🤣😂🤣😂

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty