The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
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Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Breakfast in bed.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”