The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
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Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…