Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

Webb. James Webb.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

I hope this email punches you square in the face

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy